


Tatsuma's Strange Addiction

by orphan_account



Series: My Strange Addiction- The Series [5]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Crack, Gen, Multi, Nonsense, Strange Addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28448643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Ahahah! We’ve all been waiting for this one!"
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki, Katsura Kotarou & Sakamoto Tatsuma & Sakata Gintoki & Takasugi Shinsuke, Katsura Kotarou/Takasugi Shinsuke, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: My Strange Addiction- The Series [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022454
Kudos: 15





	Tatsuma's Strange Addiction

**Author's Note:**

> Finally! This one is still a mess, just like the others, probably even more... but I loved writing it lol

_This program depicts addictive behaviors that are dangerous and risky in nature_

_Viewer discretion is advised._

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


_Welcome to the last episode of this Godforsaken show._

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

_Tatsuma Sakamoto, also known by the nickname of 'Hot Tatsumoto' (...he came up with it on his own)_

  
  


"Ahahah! We’ve all been waiting for this one!"

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


_The difference between this guest and all the others?_

_While the level of insanity remains mostly the same, no one knows what his addiction is actually about, no one except for one person who accidentally found out._

_But first, here’s some random footage to fill in the gaps (and time schedule)_

  
  
  
  


* * *

_Tatsuma & Gintoki _

  
  


“The name is Tatsumoto… Hot Tatsumoto.”

“God, he’s been throwing that nickname around since he came out of the womb. Someone put an end to this travesty.”

“I’ll have a glass of chocolate milk on the rocks. Shaken, not stirred.”

"...No comment."

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


[Tatsuma, kneeling on the ground and facing the sky, shouting as if he's a God or something]: “I am… the man… the myth… the legend… _witness me happening!”_

  
  


[Behind him, Gintoki is busy with a phone call]: “Yeah, hello, is this the mental asylum? I’d like to submit a patient-”

  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


_Tatsuma & Gintoki _

  
  


[alcohol makes Tatsuma a little more honest… and also aggressively and weirdly passionate]

“I made a drawing. That’s you.”

“...Wait, why is my face shaped like an eggplant?”

“‘Cause you’re a _dick!”_

“Come back here you little shit freak!”

_[Tatsuma runs away like a little kid waving around a pair of scissors while Gintoki chases after him like a furious parent- then tackles him to the ground, like any parent would do, obviously]_

  
  
  


**.**

**.**

**.**

  
  
  


[Tatsuma, touching a hand to his chest and staring deeply into the camera… probably, no one can really tell with his sunglasses on] “...I am an _angel.”_

[Gintoki, shaking his head repeatedly]: “Yeah, that’s not gonna hold in court.”

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


_Tatsuma, during meetings with important clients:_

  
  


[The man is heaving yet another sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose]: “...Sakamoto-San, for the last time, we need to talk about your professionalism.”

[Tatstma, standing on top of the desk]: “Those are some mighty brave words for a guy standing in lava!”

  
  


* * *

  
  


_Zura & Tatsuma _

  
  


“Do you take constructive criticism?”

[Tatsuma, already curled up in a corner and crying]: “... Sure, what’s up?”

  
  


**.**

**.**

**.**

  
  
  


_Tatsuma, two minutes later_

  
  


“When you have to say that you’re fine but you’re not really fine, but you can't get to it because they would never understand-”

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


_Tatsuma & Tatsuma (sometimes he has conversations with himself… loud ones.) _

“Huh, if you think about it biscuits are kinda like spoons you can eat."

_Tatsuma, five seconda later:_

“You can eat a real spoon if you’re not a fucking COWARD!”

  
  


* * *

  
  


_Zura & Shinsuke, talking like parents would do _

  
  


“Look, we know Tatsuma isn’t the brightest person in this room-”

“He is not the brightest person in _any_ room.”

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


_Dance Break_

  
  
  


**.**

**.**

**.**

  
  


_Mc Hammer’s_ _U Can’t Touch This_ _starts playing out of nowhere_

  
  


_Tatsuma trashes the dance floor_

  
  


_Mutsu is watching, completely unbothered whatsoever_

  
  


_Elizabeth is dropping into a breakdance while Kotaro cheers him on and raps to the beat with his ‘Katsu-rap’_

  
  


_Gintoki stares unimpressed into the lens of the camera as it slowly zooms in on his face_

* * *

[Bits of convo between Tatsuma and Bansai]

“Oh, hey, Bonsai!”

“…Uh, actually, my name is Bansai.”

“Bonsai, what a unique name, has anyone ever told you that? Man, I feel like your name is now gonna stick with me forever.”

"But-"

"Bonsai! Bonsai! Bonsai! Bonsai forever and evermore!"

“...”

* * *

  
  
  


_random convo between Gintoki & Shinsuke (doesn't have anything to do with Tatsuma) _

"I'm kinda cold."

"Want me to set you on fire?"

"...why are you LIKE THIS?!"

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


random convo between Tatsuma & Mutsu while driving

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Only if it's a life or death question."

"Okay. Do owls have eyelashes?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

[pulls over to Google it]

  
  


* * *

  
  


_Tatsuma & Zura _

_"Jail's not fun, I'll tell you that."_

_"You've been in jail?"_

_"Yeah, once. In monopoly."_

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Gintoki & Elizabeth (literally doesn't have anything to do with Tatsuma) _

**_‘And you call this lamb sauce? It’s fucking disgusting.’_ **

“Who do you think you are, Gordon Ramsay? Shut the fuck up.”

**_‘It’s a no from me.’_ **

[Gintoki, snorting sarcastically.] “Okay, Simon Cowell. Why don't you go and ruin another band's life.”

* * *

  
  


_Zura, ignoring everyone and everything as he gushes about his 'other half'_

  
  


"He is…. what's that word again? Selfless. Just so _selfless."_

  
  


_Meanwhile, Shinsuke & Gintoki _

  
  


[Shinsuke, fixed on one of the paintings inside his alcove, tearing up]: "Look at it, it’s wondrous, it’s contemporary… it's _beautiful._ This… this is _art."_

"...That's a portrait of you."

"Exactly."

[Gintoki turns his deadpan stare towards the camera like in The Office]

“Even Tatsuma agrees with me. I can see it in his eyes."

[Tatsuma, blinking] “...Ahah, I’m wearing sunglasses.”

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


_Zura & Tatsuma _

  
  


"Tatsuma, what's wrong? Talk to me."

[Tatsuma, curled up, screaming, thinking inside his head]: _'Firetrucks are actually watertrucks.'_

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


_And now, on to the real interview_

  
  


* * *

_Tatsuma_

"My strange addiction? Hmmmm… well, that's… ahahahahahah, just kidding! I'll never tell!"

  
  


* * *

_...Well, that was a major waste of time._

_Fortunately, today in the studio we have the victim who accidentally stumbled onto this 'mystery' addiction._

_Gintoki._

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


_Gintoki_

"...Sunglasses. That's his addiction. _Sunglasses._ You wanna know how I found out? It was a normal night, I was locked out of my apartment because my boyfriend was in one of his cult meetings, you know, typical Tuesday. So I decided I'd drop by a friend's place and sneak in- uh, I mean, ask permission to spend the night in their house. And then, when I'm tip toeing in- I mean, knocking on the door because I was obviously invited… I see it. Listen, I’ve been around the world thanks to my love for sugar, so I've seen a lot of absurd and ridiculous shit, but this?

  
  


_[exclusive, extremely rare footage:]_

  
  


_inside Tatsuma’s house, late, very late at night, candles are strewn around everywhere. Tatsuma is kneeling in his living room. And he is completely surrounded by sunglasses, of all sizes, shapes, forms and colors. And seemingly celebrating a party, a tea party. Tatsuma, with a cup of tea in hand, quietly turns around, but only his head moves, in slow motion. When he finally stops, a devilish grin slowly plasters to his face. The flames reflect in the lenses of his sunglasses, behind their frame, his eyes glow an unsettling crimson… the screen abruptly fades to black._

"...This _scares me.”_

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


_We asked today's guest to describe hismelf and his everyday life_

  
  


* * *

_Tatsuma says you can always count on him to give you a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or be the hero who stops one of his best friend's 'accidental' raids._

_(...Well, that's_ specific.)

* * *

[Unclear footage of smoke and flames, the street in chaos, video filmed directly by Tatsuma himself]

“Ahahah guys, don’t worry I’m here to save the day! Just leave it to me! You know can always count on me-”

[A random dude on the street catches his attention]

“...Wait a second, you’re livestreaming this? ...Ayo party people! Waddup, Hot Tatsumoto in da buildin-”

[Tatsuma forgets why he was there in the first place]

_“We’re under attack- WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!”_

[Tatsuma, excitedly waving his camera around]: “Yo! Check this out! This party is _wildiiiin’!_ Wooohoo! Hey, is that fire? Dude, that’s solid!" 

[more footage of a full on brawl taking place, the situation quickly getting out of hand]

[Tatsuma, gasping]: "Is that _cake?!"_

  
  


**.**

**.**

**.**

3 hours later

**.**

**.**

**.**

_[A picture of Tatsuma shows up on his feed, lying with a bloody nose next to Gintoki somewhere unrecognizable, doing the ‘rock ‘n roll’ sign. He captioned it:]_

**_#afterhourswithmybestbud_ **

**_#chillinginabasementsomewhereintheworld_ **

**_#lolsomeonecallthecops_ **

**_#hellrulez_ **

**_#wasted_ **

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


_In conclusion:_

_No one knows about Tatsuma’s strange addiction, except for Gintoki, (and no one probably ever will), so no one can give any real comment about it._

_But he sure finds ways to cause trouble without his addiction even being involved._

_[He is probably the scarier out of the bunch too, but he hides it well.]_

  
  
  
  


_After Tatsuma mistakenly called Bansai ‘Bonsai’, the news quickly spread and everyone started addressing him as such, to the point where the poor guy had to legally change his name into ‘Bonsai’._

  
  
  


_After the pictures Tatsuma posted, Gintoki will probably never unblock him._


End file.
